Why I Write and Haven't Been

Hello, everyone! Long time, no see, and all that. I know that I'm terrible for waiting several months before writing something down and sharing it with the world. I'm sure quite a few of you have given up on me, and if I'm honest, I'd just about given up on myself. I've been feeling a little lost these past few months. Maybe you want to hear about it. Maybe you don't. But I just wanted to warn you of what you're about to put yourself through. 

That's right. The inner musings of a twenty-three year old going to college (again) who loves words but is too guarded to use them. They're tattooed beneath my skin. Forever ingrained as a part of me without anyone being allowed to view them. 

So you know. Lots of fun stuff up ahead. (I can't make anything too serious. So expect some sarcasm as well.)

I find words innately beautiful. It's how we make connections with loved ones. It's how we express ourselves. And yet, I find that people treat words as common, and that leads to their misuse. And then there are the times when our words run away from us, where they misbehave, and I think it's because we don't use them as carefully as we should. Words can destroy and rebuild quicker than any weapon. They can create meaning from nothingness. I fell in love with a man's words before his body, and God damn it if he didn't turn those words from caresses to strikes. And I still craved his words, even as bruises littered my being. 

But that's the thing. As much as they hurt, they can heal. I forgot that. I turned to silence and lost my strength. But I've missed it, like a phantom limb that aches without purpose. Yet here I am. Talking to you. Permitting small pieces of me in hopes of understanding. Why? Because despite everything holding me back, I still need to write. I want that part of me to thrive again, and part of it is because I've read some really moving pieces of literature and poetry that compel me to write. 

In case you're interested, I've been reading Milk and Honey by Rapi Kaur, I Wrote This for You by Iain S. Thomas, and soft magic. by Upile Chisala. All three are books of poetry that spoke to me, one way or another. Here are some poems that have moved me backed to my keyboard, and I hope you find some of your own movement in them. 

neither of us is happy
but neither of us wants to leave
so we keep breaking one another
and calling it love
    Milk and Honey - Rapi Kaur

"The Error of Parallax"

The only reason I hate you now is because I loved you then.

     I Wrote This for You  - Iain S. Thomas 

I hope to do with words what dancers do with limbs. 

     soft magic. - Upile Chisala

Each piece of poetry is so simple yet striking. There's depth and beauty, and it was so easy to make connections with these words from strangers. People who have lived their lives so different from me, yet I've seen their souls, something that I don't even see from my closest friends. 

I'm terrified. I'm tightly wound.

But I'm ready. Cut my strings. Unleash me and my greatness.

I need this. 

So I hope all of you are okay with some random writing posts coming up. Enjoy some literature nourishment. Read some poetry. Find your favorite book and read until 4 a.m. telling yourself "Just one more page." Come up for air. Repeat. Love you. Mean it. 

Enough of my inner musings, for now at least. Check out my tumblr here, and find me on twitter here. I won't say when I'll "see" you again because it will most likely be a lie. But I will be back, rest assured, and I hope your lives are filled with meaning. I'll see you next time. 

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